In my last post I was bemoaning about how NICE GUYS (and girls) FINISH LAST! I was just at a point where I was over it. Generosity just seemed like such a losing situation in our narcissistic society. Callous, unfeeling, selfish people appear to get to do and say what they want with no consequence except pure delicious indulgence! While moral, nice, sensitive people on the other hand become reduced to the shattered shards left in their wake. So, I decided to experiment on what being ratchet (ratchet=coarse, diva, arrogant) was like.
I talked to my friend Dawn who is in no way ratchet, but she embodies some qualities that some may attribute to a *ahem* “strong” woman. A strong man is considered powerful and assertive, but a woman with the same traits gets called a b—-. Double standard. As women we are supposed to be submissive and soft. My friend is dominant and hard–on the outside. On the inside she possesses a beautiful soul. She’s a gorgeous girl, but has had to be both the mother and father for her children. She has endured so much hardship but still came out on top with a master’s degree, healthy children and a smile on her face. She did this on her own, so she doesn’t take to not being in charge so easily. This poses a problem in relationships where the conventional thinking is that men should lead. However, MEN LOVE HER!
We are so opposite I remember when I first saw her, she was outspoken, gregarious, bold; I didn’t like her at all. Through our program, we were forced to get to know one another, and now I’m so glad we met. Opposites attract. I think perhaps as human beings we are attracted to opposites not so much because we want to torture ourselves, but because deep down our soul seeks expansion. We seek contrast (as Abraham-Hicks would say), which basically means things that help us to grow versus remain stagnant. There is that feeling of comfort of being with someone exactly like you, but also that excitement from being exposed to differences. Case in point, most of my female friends are wild women. They will dance on tables, approach men, tell you exactly how they feel and they are my alter egos! Since we know opposites attract, the kinder, gentler souls probably seek out and are sought out by rougher personalities. If this association leads to painful interactions, we can’t take this limited experience and generalize it to all of society. There are other nice people, we just don’t care to associate with one another lol.
Dawn dropped some pearls of wisdom on me that I had to share; my teachers come in many forms. She said there’s no need to be ratchet, but you do have to know the point at which you draw a line, and if someone crosses it, speak your truth and act up if need be. Dawn said CONFIDENCE is what attracts romantic partners. You need to step out of the house knowing that you are cute, because what you think you radiate. In her case, times where she felt insecure she didn’t attract anyone, and when she brought that insecurity into relationships everything went south because the man was like, “Oh I got this” and became arrogant.
“What you think you radiate.” That’s the money quote right there. So, yes, niceness is absolutely a virtue, but here are the caveats: If you do nice things out of fear (fear of rejection, retaliation, loss) that automatically undermines the act. If you do nice things out of responsibility and they feel like a burden, that also takes away from the act. If you’re a nice person but you buy into the theory that nice guys/gals finish last, you will attract that reality to yourself. If you are so afraid to be yourself that you put on a persona of niceness so people will like you, the disconnect from your core being and this mask you wear will show up as lack of confidence, and yes people may dislike and trample all over that.
One of the most enlightening quotes I’ve heard recently is “Love cannot exist in the presence of fear.” So, for example, are you dating someone you say you love but secretly you fear being hurt, fear being cheated on, fear being yourself? This directly applies to niceness because it is stating a fundamental truth that nothing pure and positive can flourish in the presence of fear. What you focus on just grows, and whatever you claim to feel or whoever you claim to be, will be overshadowed by the anxiety you exude. Fear becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So, in relationships, if you are a good girl but underneath you fear losing your man, guess what, one day you’ll wake up saying, “I can’t believe he left me after ALL I did for him!” Let’s flip it. If you’re a nice guy, but you hold back on acting on your impulses for fear of rejection, yes, you’ve got it, you’ll be the one complaining, “Nice guys finish last!” P.S. Women really do want nice guys, I promise, we just don’t want them to be nice in the bedroom 😉 Virtues exist in the presence of only one vibration: LOVE. If you do, say, and think nice things out of love, life will reward you in kind. You just have to have that core self love enough to value and appreciate someone like yourself when they show up.
So be NICE. Treat people well. However, start with SELF. Say and do things for yourself that you’d do for others and the world will respond. You cannot be mistreated when you actively engage in a solid foundation of treating yourself well daily. It is not “nice” to hold in everything that you think, want, and feel. So, don’t let your significant other run your life from fear of abandonment; if you do that you’ve already abandoned yourself. Don’t get resentful of those selfish souls who take your kindness for weakness, focus on those who appreciate you and you’ll find yourself surrounded by more of those types. Don’t just sit back and watch your friends dance on tables, go dance in the rain. Then you’ll get the best of both worlds: a good heart and a spicy personality to boot! Try it!
So, us nice guys and girls may finish last because we’ve politely let everyone else go before us. BUT when we arrive –and we do– we are well rested, we’ve been able to enjoy the journey, and we’re a step ahead of the game because we’ve learned from the blunders the rest made who went before. That is all.